"Well you get sent out on the race track/
You get spurs dug in your cheeks/
You'll see a winning post in the distance/
That you'll never, ever, reach" - Graham Parker, Don't Let It Break You Down
Here's a rather emo kind of post because - let's face it - I can't be all comic books and Doctor Who you know...
As I type this, I'm sitting in my empty office - no one else is in the building. My soon-to-be-former staff member is out today, and will be back tomorrow. There's a slightly palpable sense of melancholy, mixed feelings, unusual desires.
As much as I hate leaving this job - especially after one year - I probably will not regret it.
Much of it is due to dirty laundry which I can't - and won't - air on this blog. But a lot of it is, admittedly, due to my father's death. Part of it is not having enough time to mourn - when the first major cry I have had over Dad's August death was at 8:00 am on Christmas morning, that's not a good sign.
Part of it is the dynamics where I work - some things went down in early December that set off some huge red flags for me. (Again, I won't go there except in private e-mails). It came time to decide - "Crack up in the sun/lose it in the shade" - and this time, for the first time in my life, I chose the latter.
Much of it, however, is my angst over whether I should stay in St. Louis or move back to Chicago. Yes, moving back to Chicago would put me closer to family...but on the other hand, it would also put me closer to family. I have friends in St. Louis, and I love living here, but I also miss being able to visit my mom without experiencing the hassles of Lambert Airport. Plus, even though it's a five hour move, do I really want to live in a city that doesn't have a decent baseball team?
Why am I posting this publicly? Maybe it's because I've spent so much time hiding behind the "wacky schtick", that I need to get some of this stuff off my chest. Or, as Roger suggested, I need to do some more personal posts on this blog. Maybe it'll even help my attitude (especially if I listen to Podcrapular first).
Two days down, 363 more to go...