Too Many Darn "Goodbyes"

Normally, June's my month for sad rumination - after all, my father's birthday and Father's Day are within two weeks of one another.

However, August so far...has been tough.

First, this month marks the tenth anniversary of my father's passing. It was...well, a phone call at work. Rushing to get out of St. Louis home in time for the funeral. Dealing with a very dysfunctional position....and with the inevitable countdown to the move back to Chicago.

But this past week has also had two goodbyes - one intentional, the other sudden. And both have me a bit...well, you might understand why I haven't wanted to write about either for a bit.

The first is about Jake - the neighbor's Doberman who became my "transitional pet". Hadn't seen him for a few weeks, but didn't think anything of it. After all, I'd been busy with a burgeoning freelance business, and work has been...well, it's still a struggle to get work, but I've been more consistent in finding and keeping clients.

However, last week my neighbor informed me that Jake had developed a sudden illness and....well, a difficult choice was made.

My reaction was slightly different this time around - unlike my cat Dax's passing, it was much easier to take. Yes, it was difficult, but Jake wasn't my dog. (Well, he was my dog but he wasn't my dog). I'm still a bit sad over it, and I miss him...but more importantly, I think that the fact that he led me to meet my neighbors, explore my neighborhood, and get out of the house during a tough time has helped ameliorate some of the sadness I might feel.

(And trust me, I am sad. However, I'm hoping to adopt another cat in the next few months, so more cat videos will be appearing via my barely-used YouTube channel).

The other goodbye was to Chicago Nerd Social Club as board member. With everything happening (including Mom being hospitalized last week), I realized that I needed more time. After six years of service to Chicago Nerd Social Club, I stepped down in late June, and had a formal send-off yesterday.

I hate saying goodbye, especially to people and activities I enjoy. In many ways, Chicago Nerd Social Club board membership helped me relive my "golden days" as a board member. Yet I also realized something years ago, after something happened to a friend of mine...a lesson I learned in St. Louis, of all places...

I could have anything I want...I just can't have everything I want.

Right now, I've hit a cliche - I'm at the age where I have more days behind me than ahead of me. I need to focus on making each day count. My old days of overwork, cramped calendars, and non-stop activity need new focus. It means that I need to grieve, but also use that grief as a way of moving forward.

Right now, I'm in an uncomfortable place emotionally. But things will get better. And I feel very fortunate that I have the ability to miss people, activities, and assorted animal companions.

Because that means I'm probably doing something right.

Eleventh Blogiversary (And Then Some)

Today is a very....well, it's a confluence of anniversaries. And when anniversaries collide, they spark reflection and rumination over a variety of issues.

The first is that eleven years ago, I began blogging. As many of you will note, this blog hasn't been as active in the past few years, but has seen a nice uptick in activity. Combined with a burgeoning writing career (as well as a healthy increase in paid freelance work/consulting), this has meant a regular commitment to time management, as well as monitoring my workload.
On the other hand, two years ago today I had to take Dax to the vet for a final visit. Ironically, next month would be the 20th anniversary of my adopting Dax. So there's a bit of grief work that I am continuing to do - I'm in a better space about it, but it's still a bit challenging.

But it's that work that's led me to the greatest insight about my current life - I actually have a life.

Thanks to Dax's passing - and a friend's suicide - I began reevaluating my life. Taking inventory of my activities, I realized that I needed to let go of activities that were burdens rather than blessings. I also needed to focus on what I valued....and even this very blog came under the potential chopping block.

(Yes, that's a really bad metaphor, isn't it?)

But what happened when I began looking at my time and establishing priorities, I realized that I had much more time to...procrastinate. Do nothing, if I so wished. But rather than fill my time with job seeking and networking, I actually began working. It meant a shift in how I perceived paid work, and accepting that paid freelance work might be more amenable than getting a traditional full time job. (So much so that I'll be formalizing my new marketing consultancy in the next month). It meant that I could actually socialize much more than I have, approaching my St. Louis-era levels of activity.

Or if I so chose, spend my time doing nothing and getting some rest. Socializing with others. Even (gasp) dating. And those activities have improved my psychological health immensely.
So much so that I have a much healthier approach to time management: focusing on a few smaller projects rather than big ones. Committing myself to cutting down and/or leaving volunteer commitments. It means not ranting or reacting when people act....well, goofy, and realizing that there's room enough for everyone in this big old world. It means separating what I need to do from what I have to do. In short, I've concluded that if I don't stop to smell the roses, they might end up on me.

(Yes, that is a quote from one of my favorite albums).

But when it comes to the blog....it's still going to be here, and I will still post when I can. But with a thriving writing career (portfolio available via my personal site, as well as stories to be published, I may not get to this blog as frequently as I would like....but I will be spending my time doing other things.

Like living a life. Seeing friends. Perhaps, if things go well, adopting another cat in a month or two....

Because life goes on outside of blogging. And for the first time in awhile, I feel like it isn't passing me by.

Eight Years Ago This Month....

Sunset over 64th & Pulaski

...things leading up to the move were a blur: so much so that I don't recall what happened in what order.

With my impending move from St. Louis back to Chicago, I had left an extremely dysfunctional work environment. (One thing I don't miss about that time - daily cluster headaches). Packing, saying goodbye to friends, setting up the details of the move - all of these blurred into one continual experience. The one thing I do remember was the actual day of the move: my huge, loft-like apartment empty (only the "warp chamber"/support beam standing), Dax upset that her litter was moved (and that the carrier was out), and waitng for the movers - and my aunt - to contact me with next steps.

Remembering the day of the move feels more like a hallucinatory dream that an actual experience: heading down to Lambert Airport to pick up the van - then my aunt - for the one-way drive back to Chicago. Then meeting with the movers who emptied my apartment (and my storage locker in the basement) who would meet me a few days later. Packing the van, putting Dax in her carrier, and then heading down I-55 towards Chicago.

The drive itself was relatively uneventful - my aunt had offered to switch off, but I don't remember if we did or not. I do recall that, in listening to a Monkees CD (my aunt was a huge fan), Dax - who had been silent during the day - had begun crying up a storm during the first drum break of this song - ironically, just as we left Missouri proper:


After six hours, we arrived at Mom's house - at the time, she lived in a large three bedroom apartment - the same one she and Dad had rented years ago. It had only been eight months since Dad's passing - there was still a sense of emptiness about the place, a lingering discomfort mostly due to its size. (Thankfully, Mom moved into a smaller one bedroom in a different neighborhood - one like the more pleasant neighborhoods in south St. Louis - two and a half years ago). Within moments she joined us in the van and we headed for my new apartment.

Ironically, it was only meant to be "temporary" - it was a rear two-bedroom unit behind a storefront on Pulaski. (Two shops - a dog groomer and an insurance agent - shared the front. The dog groomer is still there; the other storefront is a small travel agency). It was dark, hidden, but had some of the unique charms of my unit in Eugene, Oregon of all places - it felt more like a small house than an apartment. Granted, the view could be better (windows opened up to a small garage, and then an alley), but there was a nice, almost peaceful quality to the residence. It would take some time to adjust (especially for Dax - it wasn't as large as the St. Louis apartment, and was more cramped due to lack of storage space.

That initial year-and-a-half was full of challenges - finding a job within a near-depression, lack of state funding meant very little in the nonprofit space....but through determination and hard work (especially starting with Net Tuesday, where I found my "tribe", as it were), I managed to squeeze out some temporary jobs, followed by being hired (through assertive networking) as a freelance agency analyst.

Since then, life has been pretty interesting....rebuilding something of a social/dating life (something I did far more frequently than in St. Louis), Dax's passing two years ago, various career changes, and eventually the decision to form my own consultancy. (In between, keeping my civic engagement high, moving from Net Tuesday to both nerdy board member and unofficial Doctor Who social chair). My life right now is full of promise...

....and something which, even at the time, I couldn't say about the move. In many ways, Chicago's internal conversations parallel those of St. Louis' - the ever present "why can't we be a great city again?" conversation lingers. But unlike St. Louis, Chicago seems to be more willing to look inside and deal with much tougher issues. In all honesty, part of me wished I could help my St. Louis friends during the Ferguson crisis, but now I'm feeling as if my transition is somehow complete: I've been more involved in local matters, have my own collection of friends, and feel a bit settled in my 'transition' apartment.

And to think it only took me eight years....

My Video Tribute to Dax

Yes, another obligatory cat posting on the Internet - but in an effort to teach myself video editing skills, I took two videos of my cat (one taken in 2006; another in 2008 - both of differing quality), added a filter and some public domain music, and am now providing 30 seconds of pleasure.

All this in an effort to drive traffic, and to maintain my presence in the blogosphere. Enjoy!

A Very Belated Catmas Blog

First, an extremely belated Catmas blog of Dax, the wonder cat, sleeping on my bed:


And coming up on Blog This, Pal!: another pulse pounding episode of Logan, Jedi Accountant.