...and all of a sudden, my heart sinks into my chest. For some reason, I'm overcome with a flood of sadness, and in all the rush, I realize why I have been extremely moody these past few weeks:
one year ago this week, my father passed away.
Something was up, I knew, around the first Tuesday of August - it was National Night Out, which (last year) was when my father had a triple-bypass. (Of course, my then-supervisor and then-employee later used my vulnerability against me, claiming that I wasn't "doing my job" that evening. I'm only hoping that, karmically, they are getting a just reward...but enough bitterness on that end. It's not healthy). For awhile, I fought it, burying it beneath a ton of networking appointments, job interviews, caring for Mom, and wallowing in the blogosphere.
Grief is tricky - when Dad died, my uncle (his younger brother) and I had a long talk, and he basically told me "You're going to feel crappy for awhile." (It's a gross exaggeration, on my part). When Dad died, it changed a lot of my mindset - deciding that moving back to Chicago was no longer a question of if, but of when; letting go of a lot of petty, stupid resentments; figuring out what I truly wanted out of life...and doing what I needed to do in order to achieve it.
I miss St. Louis...but I have to admit, I'm liking living in Chicago even more. The city has changed in the eight years I've been away, so it's like living in an entirely new place. I've been able to reconnect with friends, and have begun making some new ones. There's still some challenges I need to face (like asking an acquaintance to please not ask "where were you?" when I miss an outing, and to avoid giving me well-meant but unsolicited advice).
Why am I blogging this? Maybe because I've been spending so much time talking comics, television, and cracking wise...that I've forgotten that there's a human being behind the keyboard.
Oh, and that angry political rant is going to have to wait.
Now playing: The Pretenders - Talk Of The Town