I Know Cool People: Raks Geek/Uptown Underground Closing

Thread. With Uptown Underground's closure, many performers - including members of @RaksGeek - will be adversely affected. On the advice of one friend/performer, I'm boosting their hiring info. (ATTN: @Mcoorlim) /1 https://t.co/E23ZygDYA8

— Gordon D Tweets (@gordondym) September 12, 2018

(Originally posted via my Facebook Author Page. Some edits made for clarity)

Right now, I'm feeling a definite loss. (And this is gonna be a *long* post)

Earlier today, Uptown Underground - a theater located on the north side of the city - announced that it was closing. Permanently. And I'll be honest, it hurts.

Part of it is my love of vintage theaters. Part of it is that I worked in Uptown when I was a research assistant for Harvard University. But a large part of it is that two of my friends, as well as various performers, are being affected.

I was introduced to Raks Geek via - we were both on the board of Chicago Nerd Social Club. She had encouraged everyone to attend a show, but somehow, I managed to be too busy. In fact, the only other contact I had with Raks Geek were scattershot, high-school-corridor-type conversations with Michi's friend Dawn.

But my first exposure to Raks came at a C2E2 afterparty - Dawn did a really cool fan dance in a TARDIS dress, Michi spin fluorescent spheres (the theater's fire code prohibited pyrotechnics), and Kamrah (another performer in the troupe) was a bandaged SILENT HILL nurse.

(It was good...but creeped the hell out of me. Not criticizing, because I respect the artist).
But in time, the Uptown Underground became a great way for me to connect with my fellow geeks...but also enabled me a bit of nostalgia. Feeling like I was the rough-and-tumble dude once again venturing into depths of Chicago to explore hidden treasures. It provided some sense of escape, community, and belonging. I was fortunate enough to attend Raks Inferno last week and celebrate Dawn's birthday - yes, she invited me. And I was honored to accept. There were no hidden warnings, no vibe that suggested that this would happen...but it did, and the loss is difficult to process.

For many performers, especially those from marginalized communities, the loss is even harder. It was sudden, abrupt, and seemingly forced. (No, I don't have the details, and I don't care - I only care about the people who are affected by this closure).

My point: I'm asking those of you who read this blog to help by spreading the word. I'm embedding a Twitter thread with booking/hiring information. It's the kindest, most compassionate act I can take - after all, artists and creatives deserve to do the work they enjoy and be compensated for it.

Consider this as a sad reminder that sometimes, a venue is more than a venue - it's a home for a community. And no one ever gets over losing a home.

Living the Freelance Writing Lifestyle

Ironically, things are starting to settle after a year of relative chaos.

Much of it has been taking some healthy self-care steps, but I'm in a relatively stable routine. I have two freelance writing clients (and I'm always working on expanding my professional services) and have been stepping away from some great commitments (like Zone 4) and some which are more toxic (which I'll blog about at a later date).

But a new income and caring for Mom has meant that I've been able to spread my wings somewhat - checking out Raks Inferno (hey, they have a June 7th show!), coworking via the meetup I run as well as through Deskpass (which has been a godsend). Yes, even though I'm a bit more mobile, it's also meant that I've been more productive over the past few weeks.

I've seen a slight uptick in post pitches for Chicago Now's One Cause At a Time focusing on the Paschen Scholar program and Opulent Credit Rebuilders. (I've even participated in Ask Chicago Now) I've also had some very spammy requests from people who want to "contribute content" from people who have....well, they've obviously never read the blog.

And I should know about content creation - I've participated in a content writing Twitter chat, providing insights into "thought leadership" and knowing your audience. 

Am I "crushing it", to abuse the popular phrase? No, but I'm doing OK considering my position. And I was very pleased to learn (and to announce) that my stories for Airship 27's Marty Quade: Private Eye and Pro Se Production's 1950's Western Roundup should be coming out in the next few months.

So things are good...and can always be better. Especially since right now, the only non-freelance writing projects are more personal in nature.

As they should always be.

Some C2E2/Windy City Pulp Panel Thoughts

From Left to Right: Phillip Salomon, Dawn Xiana Moon, Gordon Dymowski, Shira Raider, and Karlyn Meyer

(Note: some content originally appeared on personal Facebook posts...and it's kind of long).

Moderating panels is a challenge; organizing and moderating even more so. As many of you are aware, I've been busy organizing a C2E2 Doctor Who panel as well as moderating a Windy City Pulp and Paper panel..and my schedule continues to be full.

My (Belated) Birthday Reflections

(Thread starts at this Twitter post; check out the corresponding Twitter memory)

So for anyone who's been my friend over these past way-the-hell-more-than-18-years-of-life that I've lived....I'm grateful on my birthday to have you in my life.

Thank you. /18 pic.twitter.com/1mwo44uPt8

— Gordon D (@gordondym) March 6, 2018

Finding Gratitude For Christmas

I hate to admit this in a public forum....but my Christmas spirit died years ago.

To put it bluntly, there were too many traumatic life events that color my perception of Christmas. Maybe it started with the Eugene-OR-to-St-Louis move that was prompted by a failed relationship...or losing an unrequited love to a fiance...or one aunt visiting the emergency room, leading to her death by ovarian cancer six months later...or losing another aunt in a car accident two years ago...

Let's just say that the period between December 15th and January 2nd is not one of my favorite periods during the year. During this time, I have a greater sense of melancholy and loss, feeling like I have lost out on much throughout the year.

Yes, I blame my dour Eastern European disposition, don't you?

This year has been especially hard - for many, 2017 has been a combination dumpster fire, train wreck, and Rob Schneider movie. Even with my recent move and job search issues, it has been especially tough. It meant...well, I had decided that I was giving up on being "part of the group". Yes, as I head for a milestone birthday, I decided that I really was going to become one of those old men who shakes his fists and yells at those damn kids to get off my lawn...

But something else happened this year....I actually found that I have these strange people in my life called friends.

(Now here's where this post becomes one of those "St. Louis-via-Chicago" posts that Roger likes to read).

Back in St. Louis, I had a pretty cool life: my own apartment, a semi-regular social schedule, and a plethora of relationships and friendships. I wasn't exactly King of the World, but it felt like I was being a fully functioning adult. When I had to move back to Chicago, I felt like I was stepping backwards. Yes, I had old friends from high school and past jobs, but it felt like I hadn't really grown up at all.

But this past year, I've been able to connect (and reconnect) with friends in a way that I had not allowed myself in the past. I managed to make amends with several people. Other friendships revealed themselves to be much closer and more intimate than I had perceived. Many people stepped out of my past and back into my life, even if only on Facebook...

Ironically, I had developed a similar life to the one I had in St. Louis...it just looked much different. I still had the same opportunities, but here in Chicago, I have to travel a little longer. Despite the fact that my life's been...very complicated (not just by caring for Mom, but also in matters too delicate to disclose), it's been a revelation that I have most everything I'm looking for...and that I'm working through the issues that keep me from going full out.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still very "Bah, humbug" about Christmas. But this year, I'm feeling more grateful that melancholy.

Maybe one day, I'll feel the "joy of the season"...but for now, I'll settle for "it's less crappy than in the past"

Emotions Are Tricky, Aren't They?

It's been over six months since the move, and quite honestly...feeling OK with the status quo feels like a pipe dream. Granted, living in the dumpster fire/train wreck mashup that we call "the Trump Presidency" can be challenging...but for me, everything has felt like bad fan fiction. I've been trying my best to keep relatively sane in the midst of everything.  Especially since the past few months have meant dealing with some tricky emotions...and backing away from certain commitments

One of those commitments was the Chicago TARDIS charity auction. Yes, it went well this year (raising over $1,781 for Northern Illinois Food Bank), so I'm not feeling a sense of failure or that my performance was "less than" expected. However, I did have to wonder if maybe it was time for me to let go and allow someone else to take reins. After all, I'm a firm believer that it's always better to leave a position and wonder what might have happened if I had stayed rather than stay and be unhappy.

Job-wise...I have freelance work. I'm also trying to get freelance and full-time work, but given the relative ease with which potential employers "pass" on hiring me...unfortunately, too many employers feel it ok to lie about contacting references (yes, that happened) or simply pass without explanation. (And yes, I'm still plugging away). Worse are colleagues and "friends" who either tell you that 1) you're not working hard enough on the "hustle" or 2) worse, you're simply not "earning your keep".

Or as I like to call them, "Trump supporters".

But one pleasing - and yet tricky - part of dealing with emotions is dealing with friends. I've always tended to isolate myself (or enter "Johnny Cash" mode), but I've welcomed the opportunity to grow closer, to put myself out there. But it comes at some cost...without going into details (out of respect for the other person involved), I am dealing with a potentially delicate situation with a particular friend.

Do I want to discuss this situation with this person? Yes, I do.

Is that necessarily a smart, well-informed strategy? No, it's not.

But I'm handling things as effectively as possible...and yes, that's much of the reason why this blog has been relatively inactive. (In the next few weeks, I am planning to develop an editorial calendar for my blogs - at the very least, I can schedule my creative and fiction writing into one central resource). But right now, my focus has been split in different directions...

...and emotionally, I need to focus. Which means letting go of some things and working hard towards others.

My Life As Professional Hack..I Mean, Writer

All I have to say is that....well, right now I'm putting the "work" into "Working Class Creative."

My primary source of income (when I'm not seeking social media work as a freelance consultant) is doing contract writing for an agency. (I'm going to rather discrete...no, seriously, stop giggling...because the contract outlines certain things I can and cannot discuss). As part of my day, I am regularly producing both web page and blog content focused on one specific industry...and it's an industry you normally wouldn't associate me with, but it's one that I have expertise in handling.

You would think that a New Pulp author like me would have no problem cranking out text...after all, I've spent five years blogging for Chicago Now, and I'm flexing my writing muscles enough to rebuild this blog. My writing portfolio has some really impressive entries.  I've also started on two passion projects (one has a contract, but it's a really sweet contract). I've even been running a Chicago Coworking Meetup and Freelancers Union group so that I have more opportunities to network while performing basic copy writing for a field that I may not love....but I sure as hell like a lot.

But I'm finding myself fighting off the inner voice that says, "You're not a writer, Gordon, you're a hack."

Now I don't mean "hack" in terms of my fiction - after all, I just finished my first novel as well as another novella. Cranking out almost 70,000 words of prose in just under six months is a pretty significant achievement. But writing working text - nothing emotionally engaging, or telling a fictional story - should not feel as annoying as it does. It doesn't hurt me (and hasn't stopped me from attempting to find other paid work), but it does feel a bit...off.

Part of it is being contracted to an agency with all of the unique challenges. Like handling the pervasive "dude bro" attitude and the resulting self-descriptions of people being "rock stars" and "ninjas." Nitpicking grammar and punctuation mistakes while staff makes huge errors. (Example - a recent e-mail had wrong due dates and batch numbers, and I sent a heads-up. Follow up included proper batch numbers, but erroneous due dates. Go figure). And unusual feedback such as being admonished for "plagiarizing myself."

(No, that isn't a euphemism, that's actually what I was told: I was "excessively plagiarizing myself.")

But perhaps my own self-criticism comes from knowing that I can - and have - been creative in my writing, and this seems like work. My short novella (which is coming very soon, trust me) integrates a ton of influences, including action/adventure, my background in Rogers Park, and issues via a prevalent Twitter hashtag (with the result that several friends could claim co-authorship of this piece...and I have no problem giving it to them).

Make no mistake - I would love the chance to write and create for a living. I have no illusions about needing to "pay my dues" and understand that part of the process is sitting in front of the keyboard and getting down to business. But I sometimes wonder whether I am giving myself the freedom to move forward...or am I "settling" for sublimating my creative urges and letting my professional concerns run rampant.

In other words, am I a writer or am I a hack? And is either one a bad thing?

Life Behind the Keyboard: Writing My First Novel

After four months of work, I'm finishing up the final draft of my first novel - 60,000 words - for submission this weekend. And as much as I would like to say that it's been a joy....

...it hasn't. It's actually been a bit of a rollercoaster.

Writing this novel has been a challenge - not in terms of enthusiasm, but mostly in terms of balancing writing with various other challenges. Taking care of a sick parent, maintaining freelance work while trying to seek further work, and then a tricky emotional situation (which I'm not going to discuss)...to say "it's not easy" is a dramatic understatement.

And I was "only" writing more of a pulp action-adventure novel. (I'll reveal more when it's released).

One of the challenges I'm facing is the ever-increasing attitude that somehow, I'm not "doing enough". You know, people who say things like, "Looking for a job is a full-time job" and "You need to do more face-to-face networking". Or even "If you're not hustling, you're not an entrepreneur". Seeing the blank look on their faces when I explain that caretaking duties often mean a radical change in how I structure my day or hearing a half-hearted "You-need-to-schedule-crisis-time-as-well-as-personal-time" dismissal....well, I've started seriously pruning my contact list because of those conversations.

It's easy for me to allow my own self-defeating voices to run rampant, to feel like I need to cut myself off from the world...and for a time, I did. I took a well-deserved Facebook break, and being off of Facebook did wonders for my self-esteem. It helped me focus on some inner emotional work (which helped the writing process), and it also made me feel a bit more willing to reach out....which I did. I also joined a writing accountability group to keep me focused. And all of these factors....I'm just pouring into the novel without making a point of it.

(So if there are moments where you get "the feels" when you read my book, you'll know precisely why...although they're not going to correspond exactly with what's going on in my life).

However, my life has become an existential paradox: I want to get out more and interact with the world, but having an uncertain schedule means that when I want to get out, I'm too late to take action. For example,  I was considering breaking my ban on attending Wizard World Chicago (especially because some friends of mine are performing Saturday morning)....but I missed the press pass and volunteer deadline, and quite honestly, I don't have the funds to get a day pass.

No, this isn't cyber begging....but it is a gentle reminder that being a writer and an adult caretaker have a cost. Sometimes, being creative means losing out on some opportunities, making it more imperative that I take the initiative and reach out. My life may have many challenges, but if it means working through those challenges through writing...I'll accept all of them.

But the best thing about writing this novel? You know that quote about writing from (I think) Ernest Hemingway about sitting in front of a typewriter and bleeding?

He wasn't kidding.

Twitter Thread Re:Caregiving

Things are quiet...relatively speaking. But while I'm enjoying the quiet by catching up on freelance work (and seeking new work), here's a little Twitter thread about caregiving.

Because I don't want to write a whole blog post about it. Enjoy!

And now, a subject close to home - #caregiving for an adult parent. Background -
https://t.co/agDJrBwP3L https://t.co/h9Brrv3vZs /1

— Gordon D (@gordondym) July 31, 2017

Twitter Threads: My Semi-Substitute for Blogging

One of the habits that I developed during my sojourn from blogging is mastering the art of the "Twitter thread".

That's right - I went back to my Twitter account after a long sojourn.

Thankfully, there was a nice change of pace - rather than 1,000s of tweets about social media marketing (which is part of my professional skill set), but now there were 1,000s of tweets about more politically and socially-minded issues...which is kind of why I joined Twitter.

(Well, that and there wasn't much else to do in St. Louis).

So in that spirit, I'm embedding two tweets that lead to threaded conversations. They're not long enough for full blog posts....but just enough that I was able to articulate my feelings about two things near and dear to my heart.

The first - being a pulp writer.

The second - elder care and my mom.

Please enjoy both.

This morning's thread: why I write #pulp. Hang on & RT anything that strikes your fancy https://t.co/HkbYZOYcYX #flickr /1

— Gordon D (@gordondym) July 30, 2017

And now, today's thread about #eldercare, #Medicaid, and why this article is very disturbing: https://t.co/jA08NrPXCq

— Gordon D (@gordondym) August 7, 2017

Happenings Ten Years' Time Ago

Ten years ago, I packed up, rented a truck, and moved 300 miles from St. Louis to Chicago. It wasn't an easy decision - leaving everyone I cared about behind and moving to help care for Mom - but it was one of the few decisions I never regretted because it had to be done.

In the past month, I've packed up, rented a truck, and am moving my things into storage. I'm also going to move (temporarily) into my mom's apartment while she's ill.

It's a long story, but the highlights are that Mom's been fighting an infection, and has been in and out of the hospital. She's currently in rehab getting physical therapy (and in the middle of everything, we had to transfer her - at her request - because the first rehab place messed up her treatment. Plus, they haggled over a walker).

Why am I posting this now? Because first, I've been away from the keyboard, and am only now settling into a regular writing routine. With some great projects coming up....I need to get back into the writing life.

Plus, I'm looking for more freelance work (you can check out my services here and my LinkedIn profile here), so getting back into regular blogging will not only help me retain those habits...but also keep my search engine results nice and healthy.

And so the next two days, I promise you some Doctor Who series 10 reviews. Just because.

The Joys of Being A Caregiver

Last week, I called Mom - after all, I was planning to visit and wanted to give her a heads-up. After one call went to voice mail, I waited and called again...no response. After calling a neighbor to ask her to check in on Mom, I made my way....and Mom was in bed.

Short form: Mom had fallen from the toilet and spent the night on the bathroom floor. And that's not a joke.

After arriving and finding Mom in bed, I talked her into heading into the hospital. We tried to get her to the bathroom via office chair...and she fell. Again.

So last Sunday I got to ride in an ambulance and stayed with Mom until the late hours. She's been in the hospital the past week, and she has an infection in her foot.

The toughest part about all of this - dealing with others' reactions. Fueled by adrenalin and worry, it takes longer to rebuild emotional boundaries. So little things like unsolicited advice become major hassles. Questions become interrogations. Relatives and acquaintances get blocked on Facebook.

(I'm not kidding on that later part)

That's part of the reason why my blogging's been close to nonexistent - it's hard to keep up writing when life gets in the way. It's also the one thing that so many people who want to help....end up failing miserably.

First, if you know someone like me, before you offer advice...ask first. Earlier this afternoon, I was discussing my mother's treatment with a colleague who then entered into a half lecture/half rant about what I should do in order to help my mother. If I ask for advice, I can listen; if I don't, all you're really doing is being obnoxious. And that's not cool.

I've been asked why I don't simply "move in" with Mom to care for her full time. Ironically, if I were to do so, they would complain as to why I don't move out and get "real work". But the simple truth is that Mom and I don't want to live together, and that Mom has care needs that I am unqualified to provide. (This is not offered as an excuse....but as truth).

And of course, there's the natural tendency to offer a sentiment like "God never puts anything on your shoulders that you can't handle." First, I'm not quite sure God is a chess master who manipulates human beings. (That's coming from a man who raised Catholic and educated by Jesuits). But it also makes it sound like this is easy....

...and that's further from the truth.

So I'm writing this post because....well, maybe it's because I get frustrated at being unable to articulate these feelings. If you're a friend of mine who feels surprised and shocked that I never said this before, let me finish with this thought:

When I talk about caregiving, I don't expect you to brainstorm solutions or ask me what I've tried.

If I want advice, I'll ask for it. If I don't ask for it, don't give it.

And most of all, the most I will ever ask is that you hear me. Because being a caregiver can be terribly isolating, and I just need to connect with another human being.

Enough of the emo - back to blogging shenanigans.

Caregiver, Care for Thyself!

So far, October has not been a good month.

As many of you know, I've been working towards building a small freelance practice. I had even gone to the point of getting small business consulting in order to refine my business skills. But then, several things happened.

One was that Mom had been in and out of the hospital for various issues. That meant setting the work search aside to take care of matters. My small business counselor seemed focused more on having me go through pointless exercises (which I had done anyway) rather than understand the nature of my professional work. Plus, some personal crises arose that required my attention, and now...

Well, I became one of those people. The kind who creates a crowdfunding page for emergency support.

And again, I face many of the paradoxes of being an adult caregiver....the ultimate being the need to care for myself.

One paradox is that, for every person who understands, there are several who shake their heads and offer unrealistic advice. Tidbits like Why don't you move closer/in with your mother? (She has care, and besides...I don't have the resources to move). Can't you get others to help? (Mom has other caregivers coming in, and several family members are pitching in when they can. But I'm an only child with no siblings to bully into helping).

But the kicker: Why not find work that's flexible? And that's the issue.

Part of taking care of Mom means that a certain amount of time is gone. I'm doing the best I can do, but working "the hustle" (as many "entrepreneurs" will state) takes time, and in a crisis...time is precious. (Which is why I chose freelance in the first place...) Luckily, I have one new-ish client - and a contract on the way - but there's always a need for work.

I know I'm rambling, so let's cut it quickly - caretaking is not easy. Sometimes, I need to remind myself (which is why I'm posting this) that not only is taking care of myself critical....but it's worth it. Knowing that several friends have donated to the site above - and others are donating leads, thoughts, prayers, and good wishes - makes me very hopeful.

And for those who believe there is no such thing as a "work/life balance", or that people who don't "hustle" aren't entrepreneurs, please remember....there's a thin line between hustling and hiding.

And I work hard to know the difference.

(Don't worry - more blogging shenanigans are forthcoming).

Seeking Your Help While I Help Mom

This past week has been....well, rough.

I've been shifting back and forth caring for Mom, and although the freelance work has been steady, it's been...well, declining. I'm still trying to find good, well-paying work.

And like many people, I've fallen a bit behind in my finances. So I'm doing what many do and asking for help.

You can read more details at my YouCaring page - it's a big amount, I know, but it will help take care of my immediate needs.

And please feel free to forward this page - I could really use the help.

Thanks.

The Ballad of Terry Jones & Monty Python

It's cliche to say that we've lost many talented people in 2016 (both famous and common), but this is the first news that totally and completely guts me.

Yesterday, I was taking care of Mom's cat (another hospital visit....too many nowadays), when I read that Terry Jones of Monty Python was diagnosed with a rare form of dementia.

News like that is never easy to take - trust me, I've been living in the shadow of another's illness for awhile. With death, there's the sudden shock, followed by grief; with illness like this, it's a more hollow, almost overwhelming sense of loss, as if the person's presence serves as a reminder of what we've lost.

And we've lost a lot.

I've mentioned before that Terry Jones was the only other member of Python that I've met in person; like John Cleese, he was one of the intellectuals of the group. With Michael Palin, he developed a surreal, visually-oriented sense of comedy that took the absurd...and then took it further with Monty Python. (If you want to see what Terry Jones was like onstage, watch the YouTube videos in the above link; they were taken at a 2009 screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail; for his pre-Python work, check out the two-DVD Do Not Adjust Your Set)

Even in his non-Python life, Jones had a sense of history, hosting documentaries on everything from Chaucer to the Crusades. He's directed many films, wrote and lectured....this wasn't a man whose last name was "Kardashian". The fact that a man so articulate is striken with the inability to remember words....is sad and demoralizing.

Now, however, Jones is in a unique position, allowing us to bask in his work. And there's plenty of work for casual fans - or even the curious - to find out what they missed.

Or how right they were in their assessment of Terry Jones.

On STAR TREK'S 50th Anniversary

I'll be honest, I'm having a bit of a hard time with this, but not for the reasons you may think.

Fifty years ago today, Star Trek made its television debut. It's a show that I literally grew up with...and which was the only other thing (besides Sherlock Holmes) that bound us.

Late yesterday, I was asked to appear on WBEZ's Morning Shift to discuss life lessons from Star Trek on its 50th anniversary. (You can listen - and watch a nice video recap - via this link). Although it felt a little odd this morning (and to be fair, I was well prepared), it wasn't too unfamiliar....especially since I discussed Star Trek on WBEZ back in July.

But as I left Navy Pier, I felt a slight wave of melancholic longing, and then I realized why this was so powerful....

Ten years ago this month, Dad passed, kickstarting the whole move-back-to-Chicago thing.

But rather than dwell, I'm going to celebrate in my own way - watching my favorite TOS fan film series, and prepping for this Saturday night with Svengoolie.

Because that's how I'm going to "boldly go" into the future.

Too Many Darn "Goodbyes"

Normally, June's my month for sad rumination - after all, my father's birthday and Father's Day are within two weeks of one another.

However, August so far...has been tough.

First, this month marks the tenth anniversary of my father's passing. It was...well, a phone call at work. Rushing to get out of St. Louis home in time for the funeral. Dealing with a very dysfunctional position....and with the inevitable countdown to the move back to Chicago.

But this past week has also had two goodbyes - one intentional, the other sudden. And both have me a bit...well, you might understand why I haven't wanted to write about either for a bit.

The first is about Jake - the neighbor's Doberman who became my "transitional pet". Hadn't seen him for a few weeks, but didn't think anything of it. After all, I'd been busy with a burgeoning freelance business, and work has been...well, it's still a struggle to get work, but I've been more consistent in finding and keeping clients.

However, last week my neighbor informed me that Jake had developed a sudden illness and....well, a difficult choice was made.

My reaction was slightly different this time around - unlike my cat Dax's passing, it was much easier to take. Yes, it was difficult, but Jake wasn't my dog. (Well, he was my dog but he wasn't my dog). I'm still a bit sad over it, and I miss him...but more importantly, I think that the fact that he led me to meet my neighbors, explore my neighborhood, and get out of the house during a tough time has helped ameliorate some of the sadness I might feel.

(And trust me, I am sad. However, I'm hoping to adopt another cat in the next few months, so more cat videos will be appearing via my barely-used YouTube channel).

The other goodbye was to Chicago Nerd Social Club as board member. With everything happening (including Mom being hospitalized last week), I realized that I needed more time. After six years of service to Chicago Nerd Social Club, I stepped down in late June, and had a formal send-off yesterday.

I hate saying goodbye, especially to people and activities I enjoy. In many ways, Chicago Nerd Social Club board membership helped me relive my "golden days" as a board member. Yet I also realized something years ago, after something happened to a friend of mine...a lesson I learned in St. Louis, of all places...

I could have anything I want...I just can't have everything I want.

Right now, I've hit a cliche - I'm at the age where I have more days behind me than ahead of me. I need to focus on making each day count. My old days of overwork, cramped calendars, and non-stop activity need new focus. It means that I need to grieve, but also use that grief as a way of moving forward.

Right now, I'm in an uncomfortable place emotionally. But things will get better. And I feel very fortunate that I have the ability to miss people, activities, and assorted animal companions.

Because that means I'm probably doing something right.

Happening Ten Years Time Ago

This was where I lived in St. Louis. Pretty cool, huh? 

Funny how the smallest things can lead to greater insights.

This past weekend, I spent some time in my yearly clean-up/organizing efforts - going through papers, tearing up and prepping for recycling, when I came across some old papers from my last job in St. Louis.

Ten years ago.

Ten years ago, I was working for a local nonprofit - a settlement house. (I'm not going to name names because...well, this post will be rather inflammatory, and I have little interest in revisiting old hurts). My recently-discovered paperwork concerned my then-supervisor's efforts to create a hostile work environment. My job, at the time, was a federally funded effort, and I understood both the requirements of the grant as well as the needs to run the program.

My then-supervisor had (I later found out) been reluctant to hire anyone, and was doing everything he can to provoke me. So much so that at this point, my emotional well-being was a wreck. Worrying about Mom (who was well into the process of pre-liver transplant preparation) and Dad (who was having heart problems, possibly requiring a triple bypass) did not help. So my records were, well, formal documentation.

What's also striking is that, within a month, my father would have surgery...and pass away a week before Labor Day. My then-supervisor and I had a showdown with his boss. And it was within that month that I decided to leave St. Louis.

(It helped that when I talked about it with Mom, I asked her if she needed me to move back - not wanted, but needed. Even though my aunt would be coming up to live and care for her, Mom needed me to come back. And I sure as heck wasn't going to argue).

In recent weeks, I've felt a slight nostalgia for St. Louis - not to the point where I want to move back, but certain memories are making themselves present. Perhaps it's the current state of activity I'm in, but there were some really small memories - moments - that I really am starting to treasure about my experience there.

(And I don't worry about missing out on catching up - I may not make it back to St. Louis on a regular basis, but we always have mutual visits to Chicago, as well as Facebook).

Moments like the one-and-only time a female friend and I went out to lunch...and then to the library. (Yes, I was a jackass. If it had been an honest-to-goodness date, I would have messed up). Fun with a long-standing colleague whom I have lost contact with - I'm tempted to look this person up on Facebook, but they deserve their privacy. Regular interaction with friends that are now occasional Facebook updates and/or phone calls.

But in all honesty....moving to Chicago was probably one of the best actions I've ever taken in my life. Nothing wrong with St. Louis - after recovering from a devastating breakup, I needed a place to reinvent myself. St. Louis provided a great, safe environment for me to "grow up" and mature, developing my independence and gaining self-respect and self-confidence.

The past ten years have been a challenge....but quite honestly, I've come far.

(Post-script: that former supervisor? Last I heard, he eventually left that particular organization - I'm not sure whether he left voluntarily or was "encouraged" to leave - but he's supposedly consulting. I think it's safe to say...I've moved onto bigger and better bosses. And as a freelancer/consultant, I'm know I'm definitely better off).

Some Pre-Father's Day Thoughts

To be completely honest, things have been....well, busy.

Busy enough that I wish it were more busy, because....

...well, Father's Day has been tough over the past several years - since Dad died. Part of it is that June is also his birth month, meaning that I get a double whammy of grief and sadness.

It's also tough because, for the last few years of his life, my father and I never talked. In fact, I was persona non grata for reasons known only to him.

And within the space of a few weeks ten years ago, we tried to reconnect....and he was gone. His death kick started my return to Chicago.

In a strange way, I miss him - even though we didn't get along most of the time, the things we did connect around were special: Sherlock Holmes, books, and a strange fascination with office supplies.

(No, really - in college, Dad had asked the what-do-you-need question most divorced fathers ask of their children. I suggested legal pads and highlighters. Two weeks later, I received an American Tourister suitcase full of highlighters and legal pads....and pens....and file folders....and file folder labels....and a portable cassette recorder. Seriously.)

But in that spirit, I want to offer probably the closest you can experience to my father: Stacy Keach's work on Titus. (Ironically, I've been deep diving into Christopher Titus' standup work and podcast...and it's been rather cathartic)

So if you need an explanation as to why I've not been as prolific this past week....here you go. And enjoy these Stacy Keach/Ken Titus "highlights" before they're pulled.

Birthday Thoughts

Ok, so you're probably thinking, "Gordon, why the [expletive] are you blogging at approximately 6:40 am on your birthday?"

Yes, I've been that busy. And it's my blog, my rules.

Yes, today's my birthday, with pal Roger's coming shortly. My life in the past year - actually, the past year and a half - has been active, lively, and not without incident.

Ever since the events of October 2013, I've been making headway into really examining what works in my life...and what doesn't. Making decisions about how I spend my time, establishing priorities...well, it's safe to say that I'm growing up in that regard. So much so that my new idea of a great evening involves a blanket and a good book.

(Or e-book).

But the past six months have been rough...with Mom's health (she's doing better, by the way), people and cats in my life passing (within two months, I lost my aunt, my mom's cat, and a friend), and changes in my employment.

Moving towards a freelance career, rather than a straightforward job...well, I'm enjoying it. Granted, it means a greater emphasis on finding/soliciting work, but it also gives me the opportunity to pursue my writing. And it also means scheduling rest and relaxation at regular intervals.

(Trust me, in my much younger days I "lived for the hustle". However, living for the hustle also can be a very lonely life).

All in all, I'm grateful. I'm in a much better place than I have been in awhile. Sure, I have challenges, but I can face them with a much clearer head and greater confidence.

And that's the best birthday present I can give myself.